Millionaire Man (Part Nine)

“It’s not every day that I meet someone like you,” Sam began, “someone who honest, hardworking, and loyal. For the last few years, I really thought I couldn’t find someone with all of that attached. But then a man by the name of Wilfred came into your pizza shop. Do you remember Wilfred?”

“No, I mean, there are lots of people who are regulars who used to come into the shop, but unless they had a credit card, I didn’t really ask their name or anything. It’s really none of my business. “

Sam laughed, “Well Wilfred has been known to change his name on people anyway, so good luck trying to figure him out. You stood out though, Wilfred and I were talking and he couldn’t stop talking about how friendly you were. “

“Well, I work in customer service, I have to be friendly.”

“But you see,” Sam said, “Wilfred never talks about anyone. He is known to talk politics, or even ideas, never gossip about some individual.”

I am not really sure what all of this had to do about my job, or the new proposition, but I was intrigued. Finally the money was coming into my new apartment, and I was feeling steady. Moreover this proposition was feeling more like a promotion, and I was all for that.

The pain of loss was less, and my stinging stain for approval was now filling the void that was once hurt. I felt like the more I did for Sam the more I felt acknowledged, and the less I needed to care about my own feelings. So, maybe with the help of Wilfred I could get closer to Sam.

Sam smiled as he saw the gears ticking in my brain. He knew he had me the second he assured me of a raise, more responsibility and a change from the everyday lull of work.

“Here are the directions, I want you to go see him, and talk with him. See if you two click.” Sam suggested.

“Wait what do you mean, click?” I said, “I’m not gay, well, not that I know of.” Sam leaned in to me and shuffled my hair. “Who said anything about gay, man, I got plans for you two. Consider it a domestic partnership.”

I was uninhibited at Sam’s reply, but I couldn’t let him down. After I printed off online directions, I left with diligence to Wilfred’s house. I was exuberant and determined to make yet another excellent impression as one of Sam’s favorite employee’s.

Pulling up to the green one story house and leaving all prejudices behind, I parked just inches from the curb in my Audi. Perfection was turning into a habit for me.

I walked up hastily to the door, with small bits of nervousness in me. It’s never been me to walk up to a stranger and get to know them. I’ve never been the kind of person that makes decisions like what I am doing right now. But I have been doing a lot of things I am not used to.

My knock on the door was no louder than the tap of a woodpecker, and still footsteps heard my call. The floor creaked as footprints muddled the old floor. I heard a cough and a sniffle as the footsteps approached. The door lock unlocked and the door opened quietly. The man in the shadow appeared gently.

Wilfred, alone in the cold darkness that was his home pulled his unconscious resistance, peering only to see me in his slit of view through the door. “Yes?” Wilfred mumbled. I could see his nervous exposure to a rare stranger visiting him, like the first day of school to a kindergartener.

“Mr. Wilfred? Sam sent me over…I’m Cory. “Wilfred looked at me slowly, then his eyes widened.

“From, from the pizza shop, like with the broken light on the sign?” Wilfred moved closer to me as the door widened. I looked at him smiling and nodding, only remembering the monogamy that was my life. Wilfred smiled back with excitement, opening his door to me.

“Come in come in! I can’t believe Sam found you!”

“What do you mean “found me?’” I said cautiously, taking a step back.

“Oh never mind that, come on in, come on in we have so much to talk about.”

Wilfred took me to the living room and had me sit at his green couch with stains on it. He was nervous, that’s for sure, but I wasn’t. His nervousness enabled my confidence immediately. I figured a guy this nervous has nothing going for him, which liberated my own insecurities. Wilfred walked into his kitchen, stumbling through old garbage spread across the ground. The home was covered with laundry and old garbage, lining the walls and countertops.

Soon enough, he returned with hot tea, and sat down across from me. The steam whisked away from the cup as Wilfred sipped his cup. The wrinkles from his face squeezed as the heat grazed his face. He was looking away like philosophical monk, and then turned back to me. I looked away, but kept him in my peripheral vision. He began to speak in codes, like a teacher trying to force his students to learn.

“In the heat of any moment, I find myself dazing over my life,” Wilfred started, “I was hoping I can find a solution or a cure to my loneliness. I feel like I find it when I am around my friends. But for some reason, I am still lost. Do you know what I mean or is this making no sense to you?”

I looked at Wilfred’s worn face, and smiled weakly in a tone of unsettling darkness looming over my nervousness. I pulled my thinking back to express his unhappiness in a realistic way.

“I understand being lonely I guess, “I said, “I guess I never looked for a cure or solution to it though. I always thought that if you persisted at life, you could get anything you wanted.”

Wilfred paused, for he was looking for some rhetoric answer, not some realistic response to his Buddha philosophy, even if I tried to even out his own wit. Instead, in a way I stifled his way of bragging about his own intelligence. Wilfred put his cup down and leaned back. He smiled for a moment and stared back at me.

“I like you,” He said, almost blushing, yet his aggravation was still showing. He looked down for a moment to restrain his own emotions, and then smiled at the thought of my efforts.

“So, you like working for Sam?” Wilfred continued, sipping his hot tea, gently pursing his lips to the tip of the cup. I awkwardly looked back for a moment, but continued.

“I do, I really do. He has been a father to me since I met him,” I sighed, looking back at the last couple months, “He has been very generous, and I still can’t believe everything he has done for me. He has me a car, a stable income, hell I feel dependent on him even for my happiness. I don’t know if you can understand that, but I don’t know where I would be without him.”

“Well Sam, is known to be a provider, that’s for sure. I remember first meeting him. That man had a way about himself, the way he always was the first to buy the beers, the first to be there when someone was in need, but it wasn’t real. I learned that way too late, and now look at me,” Wilfred looked down, laughing at his potbelly and overgrown whiskers. His eyes grew more concentration as he stared at me, “ I would be careful of him. I can’t imagine why he is putting so much effort into getting your attention and approval, but knowing him, we will find out soon enough.”

Wilfred began to daze away from our conversation soon after and soon enough fell asleep after his tea. I kept the TV on, as I let myself out. Wilfred didn’t look healthy, yet at the same time, I had trouble believing what he said about Sam. Sam was more than a friend, he was family. I wanted, I needed to feel secure for once, and this was not helping. My only hope was that Wilfred was losing himself, and I wasn’t losing my support.

Hurting Bite

I can't sleep....but I'm drifting...
I'm drifting from life, from fears from hope and back into my wonder world of distance.
I can't stop hurting, and I know its tearing me apart...
I keep seeing myself in a different paradise, but lose what can be from my own scheme's and dillusions...

I can't find what I am looking for yet I still keep searching, tricking myself, seducing myself and manipulating myself into believing there is a better me out there...

A man who isn't still angry, and betrayed and heartbrokern...
A man who isn't always the strong one, or the one that people can depend on.
A man who isn't cold when he lays in bed...

I have to believe there is a better me out there...

Millionaire Man Part Eight

Millionaire Man
Part 8
My dream of my mother was so much more real the night after my new job started. She was sitting on the couch of my old musty apartment humming. The humming echoed through my brain as I quietly kept watching her. As I walked to her, I could see her leaning over thumbing through an old photo album. She looked up for a moment as if reliving a picture in her head, and then back to the album.
“Mom,” I said. My mother continued to hum, and chuckle at each picture she saw. I sat down next to her, as a poof of dust swirled from my cushion impact. My mother leaned over to me and pointed at a picture. I could smell the cookies off her breath as she told her background story of the picture.
“I can’t help looking at this picture and laughing. You had no Idea that I had been watching you. Oh my lord, look at you in your superman underwear reaching for the game board. Oh I miss this, I miss you.”
I smiled and my mother. I didn’t ask questions, nor did I try to take anything away from the moment we were having. Instead, I sat close to my mother as she continued to spill childhood secrets to me with every picture.
As my mother closed the photo album, I looked down and stared at my mother’s shaking hands. I looked at her smile of serenity once more before seeing the pain that only hid beneath the shadows. I was losing her again. Her face turned pail and her hands were shaking harder than ever before. I reached for her hand, but he hand turned to dust with my touch. I screamed at the sight of the missing limb, only to desperately lunge for my mother. Sadly, my weight only turned her image into thousands of little particles hovering over the couch and heading toward the sunlight.
“Wake up baby, and let go of me, damn it,” She echoed as I sat on my once occupied couch. I stared again at the empty space and feelings that lingered. I screamed at the top of my lungs, and felt the tear run down. I won’t let go of my mother if she forces me to. I screamed one more time hearing only the ringing of my ears. All of a sudden a cold hand touched my cheek. Droplets of water fell from the roof of the apartment in my dream.
A voice kept saying “God I’m so sorry,” over and over, and I didn’t recognize the voice. It reminded me of my mother, but it was raspy once again. It was Amanda’s Voice once again. I woke once, with tears pouring from my eyes and Amanda holding my hand and crying. I reached up and wiped her misery from her eyes. She was lost in my own filth of distain of what I would call my pain.
I got up to leave, but Amanda wouldn’t let go of my hand.
“Let go,” I said calmly. Amanda stayed fixated on my and, pulling my arm closer and tightening her grip. I repeated myself again, only to be ignored again.
“Amanda,” I said, “It’s going to be ok.” Amanda looked at me with her eyes full of pain and irritation. She indignantly looked at me, and for a moment, she stopped crying. I stared at her in residual distance and uncertainty. Her eyes glazed with affection, and hand warmed with sincerity. Amanda leaned in with a tear still falling in her eye, and pursed her lips. I leaned back, avoided her lips. Amanda continued to move forward with little let up. So I took the palm of my hand, leaving her lips to taste the sweat of my hand. Amanda opened her eyes, leaving her in shock and my reaction to her. Her reaction was as if I had hit her with an unsavory reality.
“You act like you know me , but you don’t,” I grunted, “Whatever you’re thinking about me, or felt about me changing, you’re wrong. So stop crying and get a grip.”
I got up and walked out of the room, while Amanda sat still stoned from frustration and embarrassment.

I knew I was an asshole, and people like me don’t change, no matter how nice you are to them. We believe we matter more than anyone else and that is that. I feel sorry for a lot of people, especially the ones that try. Nonetheless, as much as I would like to hold on to hope that Amanda would accept me, even with the flaws, I can only pray I die before I figure it out.

The next morning, I got up to the smell of bacon and waffles cooking. It was the best thing to wake up to in the morning. The smell of searing bacon woke up me up. Last night I had managed to make it back to my room, and back to bed. As I walked down the hallway to the kitchen, I could see Amanda in front of the stove. She looked at me in a friendly, waitress-like tone.
“Hey Punk!” she smiled, “Hungry?”

I raised my eyebrows and shrugged my shoulders, “Sure.” I watched Amanda as she flipped the bacon. There was pain in her eyes, that much was clear. But it was overshadowed by the implicit determination to avoid the pain I had spun last night. As the sound of a waffle landed on my plate, I couldn’t help but stare in Amanda’s eyes. She was going out of her way to be nice, and I was taking advantage of it.

“Why are you being nice to me?” I finally said, “I mean I rejected you last night and this morning you’re cooking me breakfast as if nothing happened last night.”
“Well nothing DID happen,” Amanda replied, “So eat your waffle, it’s getting cold.”
“No,” I taunted, “First tell me why you haven’t said anything about last night, then I will eat.”
“Last night was a mistake, and I am already tired of bringing it up.” Amanda shrugged, “Look, the only thing Jesse and I came here to do was to make sure you don’t off yourself, that’s it. Everything else doesn’t matter. So if I have to hand feed you your waffle, I will. Just eat your food and shut the hell up.”
I could see why Amanda was dying for me to try her cooking. Her food was delicious, even without the pot cooked in it. She knew the right amount of spices and just the right sugar to put on the waffle. Some people make waffles so good that you can eat them without getting a stomachache before you’re done.

Weeks became only a couple months working for Sam. He was honest respectful, a little flirty, but extremely professional. I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning to get to work and make the big bucks. My salary had tripled within only weeks, accommodating almost all my needs. Money became an agitating reminder that my mother wasn’t around. She would have been so proud seeing it flow like a river in a small forest. She would have hugged me so tight that I would have to push her away just to breathe. All in all, she would have wanted me to be happy, and that exactly what money was doing for me. Still, I refused to leave my broken down apartment, no matter how much money I made. I couldn’t lose any memory of my mother. Instead, when the apartment complex decided to turn there building into renovated condos, I couldn’t help but throw my name into the ticket to own my new condo.
Sam had already given me so much, and will very little responsibility in return. But that all changed one late, Friday afternoon, when Sam had reached yet another proposition…

I'm Losing Myself- Aaron Gregory Austin

I’m losing myself…

I’m losing myself, but I know I'll find it,

Last time I had me, I was confident, stable and happy,

I’m losing myself, but I know I'll find it,

Last time I had me, I was holding him and he was holding me,

I’m losing myself, but I know I'll find it,

It just takes a deep breath of this painful air, and a swallow of good energy.

I’m losing myself, but I know you will find it,

Last time, you did, and I cried, because I missed being me.

-Aaron Gregory Austin

LIES-Aaron Gregory Austin

LIES-

I am looking at the world through a clear window.

I see only with the clarity of what I can see through it.

I wipe the tear I once held in…

I whisper, “It’s going to be ok, it’s going to be ok.”

I know its not, but lying is key in denial

This window is all I have left of him, that and memories.

“It’s going to be a great day” I whisper.

I know its not going to be, but lying is key in denial

A Ping Pong Ball drops from the counter.

Why am I remembering this, I am not ready to forgive

I am not ready to let go of my pain.

I am not ready to leave this hell that was built by him and I

Goodbye memories, Goodbye Shame, Goodbye Guilt, and

Goodbye to you for letting me go, and choosing someone

Who isn’t family.

Lying is key in denial.

Goodbye Dad.

Millionaire Man-Part Seven

Sam looked back with resent. He looked out his window for a moment. I could see his heart was somehow broken, for he was absolutely sure such a proposition required little or no thinking.

I knew he wanted my answer but I wasn’t ready to give it. Fuck him and anyone else trying to tell me how to run my life. I don’t care if you’re trying to help.

“Ill give you until tonight,” Sam said, looking back at me, “I could give this to anyone, and I thought you were the one worthy of this. I hope you prove that to me tomorrow.”

“Look Sam, I just want a night to be able to think about it, that’s all. Just let me have that ok?” I said, while trying to quiet the desperation in my voice. Sam stayed silent for a moment and sighed. He could see my plea as a humble request, not a power play. He smiled at me and nodded.

I left the office moist and unbalanced. I was going to take the job, I already knew that, but my gut was telling me not to, and I wanted to process through it. As much as the proposition was amazing, it was hard to ignore that unsettling reality I felt in my gut.

My mind stayed clouded on the way home, but at this point, I had no choice. So why draw it out?

When I got home I called Sam and let him know I was in. “Excellent, I am really happy you are. Now your dreams are going to come true. You are never going to have to worry about anything from now on,” Sam said, “So I will see you at 8:30am.”

“Ok,” I mumbled. “See you then.” My gut tightened as I hung up my phone. Good things can happen to me right? I mean I am not the only person in this world to have to struggle or not be happy. Wasn’t the sacrifice of my mother enough?

As I shut off my phone, Amanda and Jessie, once again were lazing around my apartment playing scrabble. I shut the door quietly in front of them, and tried to walk away from them, but there was no getting around the two stoners. As much as Amanda smoked, it was amazing how alert she was. Scrabble was a piece of cake, and there senses were more alert then when they were sober. As they stared intently at the board, Amanda stopped me with one hand, while still keeping her eyes on her game, and said, “Cory, help me with this will you.?” I looked back frozen and quiet, like deer in headlights. Amanda looked up impatiently for me to join her.

“What’s the matter, no one ever ask you for help punk?”

“No not really.” I mumbled. Amanda continued to stare at me until I finally obliged. I looked over her shoulder, and stared at the stale board. Words flipped through my head like and old phone book, connecting words that didn’t make sense and some that were too short to be worth saying. Amanda looked up at me impatiently waiting for deliverance.

“Zookeeper,” I whispered.

“No! That’s two words,” Amanda shrieked. I laughed, “Oh well, Jesse probably won’t even notice.” Amanda paused for a moment, sinking the idea in her head. She looked at Jesse, then at the board. Her sly smile only got bigger the more tiles she laid down. I giggled at the last letter, trying to hold it together for Amanda. She looked back and elbowed me in the stomach as a warning to me to keep quiet. I held my hand against my mouth, holding the flood of laugher with little or no result.

“There!” Amanda said happily. Jesse looked down, with very little movement, and smiled slowly. Amanda waited for opposition to start, clinching her hands and breathing softly.

“Ha!” Jesse chirped, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Amanda and I rolled on the floor laughing. Jesse shrugged, and took a deep breath into his joint.

For the first time in my life, I felt a calm I have never felt before. Like I could feel stable for a second, and smile without seeing the world cave in on me. For just this moment, I could sponge every moment and keep it with my conscience. Amanda looked at me, as if looking into my soul. Her eyes shined, for she could see what she loved about me. I smiled back shyly.

The next morning I couldn’t wait to start my new job. “Good bye fingers that smelled like pasta sauce, hello ink toner smell!” I said to myself.

As I opened the door, I heard a voice from my room scream “Have a good day at work.”

“Thanks Amanda,” I smiled. It felt so good to hear her voice.

I drove up to the building labeled EAB, leaving me with a wave of excitement. The second I walked into this building, I knew this was going to be a pivotal point in my life. I knew that this would stabilize my life, and even better, give me a purpose. Mom would be proud, I know it. The door opened with a beep and a chime, like a mom and pop grocery store would, then shut slowly like a high tech automatic door.

Stacy woke from her trance from the phones and reached out to shake my hand.

“Welcome Aboard! Let me show you to your new office. Follow me.”

Stacy led me to a hallway, narrow and long, and uninviting. As we moved closer to my office, my anxiety only built, foaming though my skin.

“Here you are,” Stacy smiled with an empathetic tone. As I opened the door and sat down in front of my dark mahogany desk and leather plush chair, my breathing settled for a moment. For that moment the room was silent, a sound I had not felt before. My mind was at ease, and my heart was calm. There was no sound, and unfamiliar. I could hear the sound of the hum of the computer that sat in front of me and air conditioning left a rocky bumping noise. For once I could hear my hear breathing.

It didn’t take long for my new boss Sam to wake this trance of calm.

“Hey, hey, so what do you think of your new office?” Sam’s cheerful grin was magnetic. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“I just got here. The office is nice, although I have no Idea why I am here except I guess to keep this seat warm.”

“Cory you’re here to make your dreams come true. I want to see you become bigger then you have ever imagined.

“Well I can imagine pretty big things.”

“It will come to you, everything you have every dreamed of.” Sam’s patted the back my chair, and paused to see the view from my office. He put his fists on his side, like a superhero then looks back at me.

“Your probably wondering why you are here.” Sam shifted his body to look at me. I tapped on my new desk with my fingers. I was frustrated, as Sam continued to draw out the conversation. I waved at him with persistence.

“Ok so I want you to start running my errands, taking care of my dog, and planning things like this. I used to have someone do this for me, but someone referred me to you, and well I trust this person more then anything. So, the first thing I want you to do is take the company car, and drive it to the grocery store. I need five pizzas, 3 bottles of the cheapest soda you can find, and one cake of your choice. I don’t eat this, so it’s not going to matter what you get. See you back here in an hour.

Driving in an Audi a4 was the most amazing feeling in the world. The seats felt like leather recliners and the car drove smoother then anything I had every driven. I could definitely get used to this.

It took forty five minutes to get what Sam was looking for. As I walked into the office once again, with pizza in hand, and soda, my search for a table began. Stacy saw my struggle and ran over to help.

“So the meeting is in 4a. I need you to take them in there. Here I’ll help you take these.

I walked down the hallway, checking out each door and reciting the label as I past it.

“3a... 3b…, 3c…, 4a, there we go.” I mumble to myself. I opened the door and to my surprise, Sam and the entire staff of his office applauding my arrival. I looked at everyone shyly.

”I didn’t know pizza, was so exciting, your welcome.”

The staff giggled while Sam stood up to welcome me. “Cory, come on in. Thank you for joining our team, and thank you for getting the pizzas. We decided since this was your first day, you would need a proper welcoming.” As I gazed at all the smiling faces, I couldn’t help but realize where I was. It felt like a very out of body experience, and I was beginning to like feeling good all the time.

My struggle for stability already seemed to be a reality. With the help of Sam, I knew my life was boundless.

Is this real?

Trust Your Friends.AVI