I’m losing myself…
I’m losing myself, but I know I'll find it,
Last time I had me, I was confident, stable and happy,
I’m losing myself, but I know I'll find it,
Last time I had me, I was holding him and he was holding me,
I’m losing myself, but I know I'll find it,
It just takes a deep breath of this painful air, and a swallow of good energy.
I’m losing myself, but I know you will find it,
Last time, you did, and I cried, because I missed being me.
-Aaron Gregory Austin
LIES-
I am looking at the world through a clear window.
I see only with the clarity of what I can see through it.
I wipe the tear I once held in…
I whisper, “It’s going to be ok, it’s going to be ok.”
I know its not, but lying is key in denial
This window is all I have left of him, that and memories.
“It’s going to be a great day” I whisper.
I know its not going to be, but lying is key in denial
A Ping Pong Ball drops from the counter.
Why am I remembering this, I am not ready to forgive
I am not ready to let go of my pain.
I am not ready to leave this hell that was built by him and I
Goodbye memories, Goodbye Shame, Goodbye Guilt, and
Goodbye to you for letting me go, and choosing someone
Who isn’t family.
Lying is key in denial.
Goodbye Dad.
Sam looked back with resent. He looked out his window for a moment. I could see his heart was somehow broken, for he was absolutely sure such a proposition required little or no thinking.
I knew he wanted my answer but I wasn’t ready to give it. Fuck him and anyone else trying to tell me how to run my life. I don’t care if you’re trying to help.
“Ill give you until tonight,” Sam said, looking back at me, “I could give this to anyone, and I thought you were the one worthy of this. I hope you prove that to me tomorrow.”
“Look Sam, I just want a night to be able to think about it, that’s all. Just let me have that ok?” I said, while trying to quiet the desperation in my voice. Sam stayed silent for a moment and sighed. He could see my plea as a humble request, not a power play. He smiled at me and nodded.
I left the office moist and unbalanced. I was going to take the job, I already knew that, but my gut was telling me not to, and I wanted to process through it. As much as the proposition was amazing, it was hard to ignore that unsettling reality I felt in my gut.
My mind stayed clouded on the way home, but at this point, I had no choice. So why draw it out?
When I got home I called Sam and let him know I was in. “Excellent, I am really happy you are. Now your dreams are going to come true. You are never going to have to worry about anything from now on,” Sam said, “So I will see you at 8:30am.”
“Ok,” I mumbled. “See you then.” My gut tightened as I hung up my phone. Good things can happen to me right? I mean I am not the only person in this world to have to struggle or not be happy. Wasn’t the sacrifice of my mother enough?
As I shut off my phone, Amanda and Jessie, once again were lazing around my apartment playing scrabble. I shut the door quietly in front of them, and tried to walk away from them, but there was no getting around the two stoners. As much as Amanda smoked, it was amazing how alert she was. Scrabble was a piece of cake, and there senses were more alert then when they were sober. As they stared intently at the board, Amanda stopped me with one hand, while still keeping her eyes on her game, and said, “Cory, help me with this will you.?” I looked back frozen and quiet, like deer in headlights. Amanda looked up impatiently for me to join her.
“What’s the matter, no one ever ask you for help punk?”
“No not really.” I mumbled. Amanda continued to stare at me until I finally obliged. I looked over her shoulder, and stared at the stale board. Words flipped through my head like and old phone book, connecting words that didn’t make sense and some that were too short to be worth saying. Amanda looked up at me impatiently waiting for deliverance.
“Zookeeper,” I whispered.
“No! That’s two words,” Amanda shrieked. I laughed, “Oh well, Jesse probably won’t even notice.” Amanda paused for a moment, sinking the idea in her head. She looked at Jesse, then at the board. Her sly smile only got bigger the more tiles she laid down. I giggled at the last letter, trying to hold it together for Amanda. She looked back and elbowed me in the stomach as a warning to me to keep quiet. I held my hand against my mouth, holding the flood of laugher with little or no result.
“There!” Amanda said happily. Jesse looked down, with very little movement, and smiled slowly. Amanda waited for opposition to start, clinching her hands and breathing softly.
“Ha!” Jesse chirped, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Amanda and I rolled on the floor laughing. Jesse shrugged, and took a deep breath into his joint.
For the first time in my life, I felt a calm I have never felt before. Like I could feel stable for a second, and smile without seeing the world cave in on me. For just this moment, I could sponge every moment and keep it with my conscience. Amanda looked at me, as if looking into my soul. Her eyes shined, for she could see what she loved about me. I smiled back shyly.
The next morning I couldn’t wait to start my new job. “Good bye fingers that smelled like pasta sauce, hello ink toner smell!” I said to myself.
As I opened the door, I heard a voice from my room scream “Have a good day at work.”
“Thanks Amanda,” I smiled. It felt so good to hear her voice.
I drove up to the building labeled EAB, leaving me with a wave of excitement. The second I walked into this building, I knew this was going to be a pivotal point in my life. I knew that this would stabilize my life, and even better, give me a purpose. Mom would be proud, I know it. The door opened with a beep and a chime, like a mom and pop grocery store would, then shut slowly like a high tech automatic door.
Stacy woke from her trance from the phones and reached out to shake my hand.
“Welcome Aboard! Let me show you to your new office. Follow me.”
Stacy led me to a hallway, narrow and long, and uninviting. As we moved closer to my office, my anxiety only built, foaming though my skin.
“Here you are,” Stacy smiled with an empathetic tone. As I opened the door and sat down in front of my dark mahogany desk and leather plush chair, my breathing settled for a moment. For that moment the room was silent, a sound I had not felt before. My mind was at ease, and my heart was calm. There was no sound, and unfamiliar. I could hear the sound of the hum of the computer that sat in front of me and air conditioning left a rocky bumping noise. For once I could hear my hear breathing.
It didn’t take long for my new boss Sam to wake this trance of calm.
“Hey, hey, so what do you think of your new office?” Sam’s cheerful grin was magnetic. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“I just got here. The office is nice, although I have no Idea why I am here except I guess to keep this seat warm.”
“Cory you’re here to make your dreams come true. I want to see you become bigger then you have ever imagined.
“Well I can imagine pretty big things.”
“It will come to you, everything you have every dreamed of.” Sam’s patted the back my chair, and paused to see the view from my office. He put his fists on his side, like a superhero then looks back at me.
“Your probably wondering why you are here.” Sam shifted his body to look at me. I tapped on my new desk with my fingers. I was frustrated, as Sam continued to draw out the conversation. I waved at him with persistence.
“Ok so I want you to start running my errands, taking care of my dog, and planning things like this. I used to have someone do this for me, but someone referred me to you, and well I trust this person more then anything. So, the first thing I want you to do is take the company car, and drive it to the grocery store. I need five pizzas, 3 bottles of the cheapest soda you can find, and one cake of your choice. I don’t eat this, so it’s not going to matter what you get. See you back here in an hour.
Driving in an Audi a4 was the most amazing feeling in the world. The seats felt like leather recliners and the car drove smoother then anything I had every driven. I could definitely get used to this.
It took forty five minutes to get what Sam was looking for. As I walked into the office once again, with pizza in hand, and soda, my search for a table began. Stacy saw my struggle and ran over to help.
“So the meeting is in 4a. I need you to take them in there. Here I’ll help you take these.
I walked down the hallway, checking out each door and reciting the label as I past it.
“3a... 3b…, 3c…, 4a, there we go.” I mumble to myself. I opened the door and to my surprise, Sam and the entire staff of his office applauding my arrival. I looked at everyone shyly.
”I didn’t know pizza, was so exciting, your welcome.”
The staff giggled while Sam stood up to welcome me. “Cory, come on in. Thank you for joining our team, and thank you for getting the pizzas. We decided since this was your first day, you would need a proper welcoming.” As I gazed at all the smiling faces, I couldn’t help but realize where I was. It felt like a very out of body experience, and I was beginning to like feeling good all the time.
My struggle for stability already seemed to be a reality. With the help of Sam, I knew my life was boundless.
Is this real?
